BLUE RASPBERRY ICEE
FREEZE- A FROZEN TREAT
By Aleph Adam Nelson
Hey there PT,
On midnight of July 27th, five Alephs (David Poldneff, David Bernstein, Jordan Marks, Zach Nelson, and myself) of Portage Trail ventured out for an unforgettable evening to see the opening midnight showing of The Simpson’s Movie.
Poldneff agreed to pick me up before the movie and Jordan agreed to take me home. To my surprise, David arrived early at my house at 11:06 – but I soon understood why because, we wanted to be sure to get good seats for we expected a big turn out – a collection of die-hard Simpson’s fans.
After I had paid for my ticket, Bernstein, Poldneff, and Nelson went into the theatre to reserve seats while I stayed behind because I positively could not enjoy a comedic masterpiece, such as the Simpson’s without an ice-cold beverage and a medium popcorn- extra butter. During this time Jordan still had not arrived -- which is very important for sake of the story.
Jordan was my ride home from the movie, so I had to be sure to save him a seat- and buy large popcorn to share with him so Jordan wouldn’t have to uncomfortably try to enjoy the comic masterpiece with an empty stomach. So I was intent on ordering large popcorn in order to share with Jordan -- to please him – after all, he was my ride home at two o’clock in the morning.
When I arrived at the front of the refreshment counter I ordered my large popcorn – extra butter, but I was also feeling a bit spontaneous, so I ordered a large blue raspberry freeze. Now I’m not sure if you have ever experienced the sensation of a Blue raspberry freeze, but this frozen treat satisfies your taste buds to the last slurp. Even when I sat down and politely told a man that we were saving that seat (For Jordan), and the man replied “What are you, eight?” and Zach replied ‘No, he’s actually seven,” the Blue Raspberry Freeze made it all better.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Blue Raspberry Freezes, Chipotle, Transformers, The Simpsons Movie, Jordan Marks having the devil’s curly hair, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114
Saturday, September 1, 2007
PT, MEET OUR NEW ADVISOR, TODD KAY
PT, MEET OUR NEW ADVISOR, TODD KAY
Autobiography by Aleph Todd Mitchell Kay
Hey there guys,
I hope you’re all having or had a fantastic summer. It’s been a blast over here. I’ve been going to Tribe games, playing some Texas Hold’em, seeing some pretty amazing concerts and chillin’ by the pool. I have been keeping up with the chapter Yahoo! postings and thought I’d respond to Adam’s request for articles. I have not written an article for “The Hard Times” in over 12 years, but I remember how exciting it was when the paper came out and the funny crap we came up with. I still have a dozen or so issues of “The Hard Times” from back in my day (’92 – ’96).
I guess for my first article I’ll introduce myself and let you guys know I am here to help in anyway. I think you guys are doing a good job and are passionate for PT, its history and driven to be #1 in ONR. I am excited to be your advisor/b-ball coach. So here is some stuff about me…
TODD MITCHELL KAY
High School: Revere H.S. Class of ‘96
College: University of Cincinnati (Go Bearcats!)
Job: Partner at The Christopher Group (HR Headhunting firm)
Reside: Cleveland, OH
B-day: August 15th – Leo
Marital Status: Married (Jennifer Waldman from Dodi Li) and we have a 4 year old son, Dylan… he’s a stud and future starting PG for our Cavaliers!
Hobbies: Sports (specifically football, basketball and golf, Fantasy sports, Live Music (Everything except… country and some rap!), working on my house, hanging out with my family and friends, working out… although you wouldn’t know it if you’ve ever met me!
Favorite Teams/Athletes: Cleveland Cavaliers
LBJ (Obviously!)
Tiger Woods
Autobiography by Aleph Todd Mitchell Kay
Hey there guys,
I hope you’re all having or had a fantastic summer. It’s been a blast over here. I’ve been going to Tribe games, playing some Texas Hold’em, seeing some pretty amazing concerts and chillin’ by the pool. I have been keeping up with the chapter Yahoo! postings and thought I’d respond to Adam’s request for articles. I have not written an article for “The Hard Times” in over 12 years, but I remember how exciting it was when the paper came out and the funny crap we came up with. I still have a dozen or so issues of “The Hard Times” from back in my day (’92 – ’96).
I guess for my first article I’ll introduce myself and let you guys know I am here to help in anyway. I think you guys are doing a good job and are passionate for PT, its history and driven to be #1 in ONR. I am excited to be your advisor/b-ball coach. So here is some stuff about me…
TODD MITCHELL KAY
High School: Revere H.S. Class of ‘96
College: University of Cincinnati (Go Bearcats!)
Job: Partner at The Christopher Group (HR Headhunting firm)
Reside: Cleveland, OH
B-day: August 15th – Leo
Marital Status: Married (Jennifer Waldman from Dodi Li) and we have a 4 year old son, Dylan… he’s a stud and future starting PG for our Cavaliers!
Hobbies: Sports (specifically football, basketball and golf, Fantasy sports, Live Music (Everything except… country and some rap!), working on my house, hanging out with my family and friends, working out… although you wouldn’t know it if you’ve ever met me!
Favorite Teams/Athletes: Cleveland Cavaliers
LBJ (Obviously!)
Tiger Woods
SECOND “KARMA” FILM IS PRETTY MUCH ALL THRILLS, SPECIAL EFFECTS, AND NON-STOP ACTION
SECOND “KARMA” FILM IS PRETTY MUCH ALL THRILLS, SPECIAL EFFECTS, AND NON-STOP ACTION -- But with virtually no cohesive or compelling story line. -- By Aleph Mathew “Wiggles” Newman
KARMA 2: The Phantom’s Vendetta, is very well put together. The short, but infamous Youtube™ sequel, displays a classic theme of good and evil.
After an interview with co-producers, Adam “Fuscia” Nelson and Eric “KARMA” Katz, I learned about their plans for the third and final Karma film of the trilogy. I was very impressed. Unfortunately, I cannot reveal any plot information, but I can assure you that it will definitely be worth viewing.
IF YOU LIKED “KARMA 2” THAN YOU’LL PROBABLY ENJOY:
TRANSFORMERS, LOST IN SPACE, V FOR VENDETTA
If you enjoyed “KARMA 2,” most likely you will enjoy these three movies listed above. Each of the movies listed share a common theme with the second KARMA film—for example, “Transformers was a well put together film, full of iniquity and justice- displayed through battles, not dialog. I must admit, yes, it was very entertaining to see the phantom charging through doors, or oddly featuring a Darth Vader characterization, but the film turned me off when it turned into one big chase scene!
I understand that the third film will explain the entire series, but as for now, I can only rate KARMA 2, as “mediocre,” for lacking a cohesive or compelling story line. (Cont. on Pg. 2)
(Cont.) Until the early 90’s, people often thought of movie sequels as a “get rich quick”, moneymaking scheme that producers would often think up to collect a little more money before their next big blockbuster.
Sequels didn’t become successful until the era of the “Star Wars” series and the “Back to the Future” trilogy. Now sequels are thought as an extended storyline or a technique used to stretch a more complex plot storyline. For example, the “Back to the Future” series became more complex as each sequel developed.
Before I conclude my article, please take a look to your right, where you’ll find a chart of box-office sequel records and where KARMA 2: The Phantom’s Vendetta, relates to other infamous sequels, including “Back to the Future,” ‘Star Wars,” and “Harry Potter.”
Finally, I just would like to mention that though the film lacks a story line, you should still see it, because it’s entertaining. Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Cleveland Indians, Chicken Wings, Cavs making it to the NBA finals, AIT/MIT 2007, and my heart and home, Portage Trail #114.
Back to the Future II:
$27,835,125
Star Wars II:
$21,975,993
Harry Potter II:
$88,357,488
Karma II:
$0.00
KARMA 2: The Phantom’s Vendetta, is very well put together. The short, but infamous Youtube™ sequel, displays a classic theme of good and evil.
After an interview with co-producers, Adam “Fuscia” Nelson and Eric “KARMA” Katz, I learned about their plans for the third and final Karma film of the trilogy. I was very impressed. Unfortunately, I cannot reveal any plot information, but I can assure you that it will definitely be worth viewing.
IF YOU LIKED “KARMA 2” THAN YOU’LL PROBABLY ENJOY:
TRANSFORMERS, LOST IN SPACE, V FOR VENDETTA
If you enjoyed “KARMA 2,” most likely you will enjoy these three movies listed above. Each of the movies listed share a common theme with the second KARMA film—for example, “Transformers was a well put together film, full of iniquity and justice- displayed through battles, not dialog. I must admit, yes, it was very entertaining to see the phantom charging through doors, or oddly featuring a Darth Vader characterization, but the film turned me off when it turned into one big chase scene!
I understand that the third film will explain the entire series, but as for now, I can only rate KARMA 2, as “mediocre,” for lacking a cohesive or compelling story line. (Cont. on Pg. 2)
(Cont.) Until the early 90’s, people often thought of movie sequels as a “get rich quick”, moneymaking scheme that producers would often think up to collect a little more money before their next big blockbuster.
Sequels didn’t become successful until the era of the “Star Wars” series and the “Back to the Future” trilogy. Now sequels are thought as an extended storyline or a technique used to stretch a more complex plot storyline. For example, the “Back to the Future” series became more complex as each sequel developed.
Before I conclude my article, please take a look to your right, where you’ll find a chart of box-office sequel records and where KARMA 2: The Phantom’s Vendetta, relates to other infamous sequels, including “Back to the Future,” ‘Star Wars,” and “Harry Potter.”
Finally, I just would like to mention that though the film lacks a story line, you should still see it, because it’s entertaining. Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Cleveland Indians, Chicken Wings, Cavs making it to the NBA finals, AIT/MIT 2007, and my heart and home, Portage Trail #114.
Back to the Future II:
$27,835,125
Star Wars II:
$21,975,993
Harry Potter II:
$88,357,488
Karma II:
$0.00
Thursday, May 24, 2007
THE BLOODY PIANO MASSACRE: ONE INJURED, ZERO DEAD!
THE BLOODY PIANO MASSACRE: ONE INJURED, ZERO DEAD!
A Crime Report By Aleph Adam “Future” Nelson
On the 5th evening of May, we find Portage Trail AZA #114 gathering at 4694 Northridge Dr. (Zack and Tyler Nelson’s house) for what seemed like to be an ordinary program -- TMNT Night. Evidently because of the shocking outcome of this program -- we were wrong!
As innocent as he could be, Mathew “Blumkin” Blum, Portage Trail’s Aleph Godol, arrived at the Nelson’s household promptly at seven o’clock. After about a half of an hour of rough play, Aleph Sam Radwanny escorted the chapter inside to begin the program.
Subsequently, the chapter was devided into four teams --
Donatello, Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Raphael. (Matt was a member the Leonardo team.) Following was a series of competitions between the teams, including the pizza decorating challange, a sock ‘em bop face-off, and to conclude, a themed gameshow.
After the conclusion of these events, chapter members proceeded to either a lounge room for a TMNT viewing or the basement to participate in a reenactment of a battle scene from “300.” At this point, our story’s victim, Blum finds himself in the middle of a violent battle.
In the midst of this battle, half the chapter (including Blum) find themselves holding various playful weapons including sock ‘em bop gloves and toy swords. In this reenactment, Aleph David Poldneff (Cont. on page 2) (Cont.) represented the outnumbered 300 Spartans. The climax of this battle occurs when Poldneff charges down the stairs and begins to demolish half the chapter (including myself.)
Horrified by the sight, Blum quickly tries to escape the scene but before he can do so, Poldneff knocks him off balance. As Matt comes crashing towards a piano, his life begins to flash before his eyes! To his surprise Matt now finds himself sitting on the kitchen counter, being treated by Kim Nelson. Matt exclaimed to me, “She treated me better than she would have ever treated Zack, Tyler, or Sarah!” He then discovers that a large portion of his face had been nauseatingly reconstructed (refer to picture on page 1), but some say it’s a change for the best.
When I asked Blum if he was charging any files to the piano he simply stated, “No comment!”
It is obvious here that a crime has occurred, but justice has NOT been served! Somewhere out there is a piano that is roaming free waiting for it’s next victim.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
300, TMNT, Chipotle, Steak and Shake, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA # 114
TO VIEW THIS EPIC TALE PRESS PLAY ON THE SCREEN BELOW:
*NEW-- PLAY AS "BLUMKIN" IN THE ONLINE GAME OF "THE BLOODY PIANO MASSACRE:"
Onslaught - Free Online Games
A Crime Report By Aleph Adam “Future” Nelson
On the 5th evening of May, we find Portage Trail AZA #114 gathering at 4694 Northridge Dr. (Zack and Tyler Nelson’s house) for what seemed like to be an ordinary program -- TMNT Night. Evidently because of the shocking outcome of this program -- we were wrong! As innocent as he could be, Mathew “Blumkin” Blum, Portage Trail’s Aleph Godol, arrived at the Nelson’s household promptly at seven o’clock. After about a half of an hour of rough play, Aleph Sam Radwanny escorted the chapter inside to begin the program.
Subsequently, the chapter was devided into four teams --
Donatello, Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Raphael. (Matt was a member the Leonardo team.) Following was a series of competitions between the teams, including the pizza decorating challange, a sock ‘em bop face-off, and to conclude, a themed gameshow.
After the conclusion of these events, chapter members proceeded to either a lounge room for a TMNT viewing or the basement to participate in a reenactment of a battle scene from “300.” At this point, our story’s victim, Blum finds himself in the middle of a violent battle.
In the midst of this battle, half the chapter (including Blum) find themselves holding various playful weapons including sock ‘em bop gloves and toy swords. In this reenactment, Aleph David Poldneff (Cont. on page 2) (Cont.) represented the outnumbered 300 Spartans. The climax of this battle occurs when Poldneff charges down the stairs and begins to demolish half the chapter (including myself.)
Horrified by the sight, Blum quickly tries to escape the scene but before he can do so, Poldneff knocks him off balance. As Matt comes crashing towards a piano, his life begins to flash before his eyes! To his surprise Matt now finds himself sitting on the kitchen counter, being treated by Kim Nelson. Matt exclaimed to me, “She treated me better than she would have ever treated Zack, Tyler, or Sarah!” He then discovers that a large portion of his face had been nauseatingly reconstructed (refer to picture on page 1), but some say it’s a change for the best.
When I asked Blum if he was charging any files to the piano he simply stated, “No comment!”
It is obvious here that a crime has occurred, but justice has NOT been served! Somewhere out there is a piano that is roaming free waiting for it’s next victim.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
300, TMNT, Chipotle, Steak and Shake, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA # 114
TO VIEW THIS EPIC TALE PRESS PLAY ON THE SCREEN BELOW:
*NEW-- PLAY AS "BLUMKIN" IN THE ONLINE GAME OF "THE BLOODY PIANO MASSACRE:"
Onslaught - Free Online Games
HAPPINESS IS...
FILL IN THE BLANK:
“Happiness is… a bitch” – Eric “Karma” Katz
“Happiness is… tits” – Mathew “Wiggles” Newman
“Happiness is… a warm gun” – Mitchell “G**ch” Josephson
“Happiness is… the euphoric two seconds when you feel, at peace with the world after you jerk-off ” – David “Lobes” Bernstein
“Happiness is… Hiroshima, 1945” – Jordan “Porter” Marks
“Happiness is… the Nelson trifecta… any combination” – Matt “Blumkin” Blum
“Happiness is… like the sunrise on the beach and the look on Sarah
Nelson’s face after my prom night with her” – Evan Meles
“Happiness is… a bitch” – Eric “Karma” Katz
“Happiness is… tits” – Mathew “Wiggles” Newman
“Happiness is… a warm gun” – Mitchell “G**ch” Josephson
“Happiness is… the euphoric two seconds when you feel, at peace with the world after you jerk-off ” – David “Lobes” Bernstein
“Happiness is… Hiroshima, 1945” – Jordan “Porter” Marks
“Happiness is… the Nelson trifecta… any combination” – Matt “Blumkin” Blum
“Happiness is… like the sunrise on the beach and the look on Sarah
Nelson’s face after my prom night with her” – Evan Meles
BUTT BUDDIES
For those of you who do not know, there are a bunch of really cool 8th graders who have recently joined our chapter. One, in particular, goes by the name of Adam "Future" Nelson. his young overachiever has already made a name for himself in more ways than one. Not only is he already on board of PT, but he has also put out a newspaper before being installed. One thing that you may not know about him is his not-so-secret lover-David "Lobes" Bernstein. If you have ever been to a program with these two in attendance, you probably know what I'm talking about. When Bernstein's participating in a program, Nelson's participating a program. When Bernstein's off messing around with Zatch's car, Adam’s messes with Zatch's car. When Bernstein is bitching out Lipper, little Adam Nelson is yelling at Lipper. I've never seen anything so cute, yet so bizarre. If little Adam Nelson were a girl, without a doubt Lobes would be charged with statutory rape. I'm pretty sure if their relationship goes any further, the state will press charges. Even when they're not at a program, they're still together, in their matching little flannel shorts, with matching foam swords, My question is what Jackie thinks about all of this. I mean, first she had to put up with Lobes and dp, but now an 8th grader! How the hell is she going to compete with a younger lover?!
Although this is amazing for the chapter and our fraternity, I'd just like to warn Lobes that no means no and if not, Kim Nelson, CSB, and CASA will be on your ass.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Relationships that make you shudder, Lobes dubbing Adam, "Future,” Adam refusing to wear the "Future" hat, being able to hang out with dp because he isn't Lobes's boytoy anymore, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114
--Aleph Godol Matt "Blumpkin" Blum
Although this is amazing for the chapter and our fraternity, I'd just like to warn Lobes that no means no and if not, Kim Nelson, CSB, and CASA will be on your ass.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Relationships that make you shudder, Lobes dubbing Adam, "Future,” Adam refusing to wear the "Future" hat, being able to hang out with dp because he isn't Lobes's boytoy anymore, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114
--Aleph Godol Matt "Blumpkin" Blum
TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO THE HAKOAH CLUB NEXT YEAR
➢ 10. Driving in the ghetto
➢ 9. Finding the vase filled with pudding
➢ 8. Not being able to get into one cemetery because it’s always locked
➢ 7. Racing old people
➢ 6. Free breakfast
➢ 5. Scavenger hunt to find the most pictures with the faces intact
➢ 4. Awkward interactions with old people
➢ 3. Awkward interaction with a 6th grade Reading teacher you thought you would never see again
➢ 2. Heartwarming sense of doing something good
➢ 1) Trying to find a funnier last name than “Raipstein”
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Old people, the ghetto, Raipstein, Sam Sodomy, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA # 114
--Aleph David “Flounder” Poldneff
➢ 9. Finding the vase filled with pudding
➢ 8. Not being able to get into one cemetery because it’s always locked
➢ 7. Racing old people
➢ 6. Free breakfast
➢ 5. Scavenger hunt to find the most pictures with the faces intact
➢ 4. Awkward interactions with old people
➢ 3. Awkward interaction with a 6th grade Reading teacher you thought you would never see again
➢ 2. Heartwarming sense of doing something good
➢ 1) Trying to find a funnier last name than “Raipstein”
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Old people, the ghetto, Raipstein, Sam Sodomy, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA # 114
--Aleph David “Flounder” Poldneff
AIT/MIT—Thoughts/ FRATERNATY
Tonight is fraternity overnight; one of the biggest lessons I learned at AIT/MIT was all about fraternity. Of course I had A LOT of fun at AIT/MIT (Karma and Jiggles, you guys missed out on a lot of fun), but I also really learned a lot about AZA and ultimately myself.
When I arrived at Camp Wise, I was a little skeptical about the weekend and I questioned if I would feel out of place; Previous to the weekend I didn’t know the words to any of the PT or AZA chants, I didn’t know too many Alephs outside of my chapter, and until this weekend I didn’t understand what it truly meant to be an Aleph of AZA.
We spent Saturday in a variety of rotations as well as participating in the great race, but I didn’t truly understand AZA until that evening. After the AIT’s had been inducted, we spent the next hour and a half sitting outside in a pavilion, in the dark. During this period I learned a lot about AZA; rather than my usual fun times with AZA, for the first time, I felt inspired.
I learned that what I am about to dedicate the next four years of my life to, is more than just a youth group… we are a fraternity of brotherhood. I also discovered that AZA allows us to open up to each other as Jewish individuals. (Cont. on Pg. 10)
AZA is geared to help Jewish youth enhance their knowledge and appreciation of Jewish religion and culture by discovering those aspects which are meaningful to them. Also to provide Jewish youth with the opportunities to learn leadership skills and develop their leadership potential to their fullest capabilities. As well as help Jewish youth recognize opportunities for service and encourage involvement in B'nai B'rith and in the Jewish and general community and to develop in Jewish youth an appreciation of the meaning and practice of Tzedakah both in the Jewish and the general community.
AZA is also geared to help Jewish youth develop a commitment to the State of Israel and K'lal Yisrael. Also to help Jewish youth develop a positive self- image. And finally to encourage the development of friendships with other Jewish youth.
In conclusion, I really just wanted to let everybody that was involved in the planning of AIT/MIT know that I really did have an awesome time! To conclude the article, I am going to share with you a short story during my time at AIT/MIT:
On Friday night I met this girl (she was on the red team with me) and she was very nice. She had a cute personality and was very outgoing. She wasn’t the most attractive girl at AIT/MIT… that would have to have been the Solon girls, anyways the point is: she wasn’t ugly. By Saturday night she was ready to through herself on top of me. Anyway, the moral to this story is don’t make out with a girl who is just OK because you’ll probably regret it later!
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
AIT/MIT 2007, Fraternity, 300, TMNT, Chipotle, Steak and Shake, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA # 114
When I arrived at Camp Wise, I was a little skeptical about the weekend and I questioned if I would feel out of place; Previous to the weekend I didn’t know the words to any of the PT or AZA chants, I didn’t know too many Alephs outside of my chapter, and until this weekend I didn’t understand what it truly meant to be an Aleph of AZA.
We spent Saturday in a variety of rotations as well as participating in the great race, but I didn’t truly understand AZA until that evening. After the AIT’s had been inducted, we spent the next hour and a half sitting outside in a pavilion, in the dark. During this period I learned a lot about AZA; rather than my usual fun times with AZA, for the first time, I felt inspired.
I learned that what I am about to dedicate the next four years of my life to, is more than just a youth group… we are a fraternity of brotherhood. I also discovered that AZA allows us to open up to each other as Jewish individuals. (Cont. on Pg. 10)
AZA is geared to help Jewish youth enhance their knowledge and appreciation of Jewish religion and culture by discovering those aspects which are meaningful to them. Also to provide Jewish youth with the opportunities to learn leadership skills and develop their leadership potential to their fullest capabilities. As well as help Jewish youth recognize opportunities for service and encourage involvement in B'nai B'rith and in the Jewish and general community and to develop in Jewish youth an appreciation of the meaning and practice of Tzedakah both in the Jewish and the general community.
AZA is also geared to help Jewish youth develop a commitment to the State of Israel and K'lal Yisrael. Also to help Jewish youth develop a positive self- image. And finally to encourage the development of friendships with other Jewish youth.
In conclusion, I really just wanted to let everybody that was involved in the planning of AIT/MIT know that I really did have an awesome time! To conclude the article, I am going to share with you a short story during my time at AIT/MIT:
On Friday night I met this girl (she was on the red team with me) and she was very nice. She had a cute personality and was very outgoing. She wasn’t the most attractive girl at AIT/MIT… that would have to have been the Solon girls, anyways the point is: she wasn’t ugly. By Saturday night she was ready to through herself on top of me. Anyway, the moral to this story is don’t make out with a girl who is just OK because you’ll probably regret it later!
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
AIT/MIT 2007, Fraternity, 300, TMNT, Chipotle, Steak and Shake, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA # 114
ARBY'S: 5 for $5.95! By Alex "Tits" Freedman
Ok so I've been to Arby’s everyday this week and every day last week and pretty much everyday this whole year and there 5 items for $5.95 is the best deal on the planet.
Stupid people like Bernstein and Newman think it's not enough food, and then need to go to the bathroom to poop to make room for there 5th item. So if you ever have to eat a lot of food and make it great go to Arby’s.
5 for $5.95 choice: 2 orders of mozzarella sticks, 1 medium soft drink, 1 order of popcorn chicken, and 1 order of curly fries
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Tits, Arby’s, the sweetest Mazkir in the Ohio Northern Region, and my heart and home, Portage Trail AZA #114
BOARD REPORTS-- Spring-Summer Term
MATHEW “BLUMKIN” BLUM
A Chapter Board Report
My brother Alephs,
How's it going? Not much has changed since my last officer report, probably since it was a month ago and Adam Nelson puts out papers like it’s nobody's business. I hope everyone's enjoyed our last 3 programs because I really have. TMNT night was especially sweet, and if you were wondering, my face is doing just great.
I've enjoyed seeing some new faces at our programs like Dan and Jared, and some people we haven't seen in a while like Merklin and Tobias. We need to keep recruiting more members so anyone you see who is Jewish and not in BBYO, get him to join!
We also need to make a point to keep our fraternity even up. These other alephs at the programs are your brothers and you should treat them as such (maybe better in the case of Tyler and Zatch Nelson)
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114
Aleph Godol Matt "Blumpkin" Blum
MATHEW “WIGGLES” NEWMAN
A Chapter Board Report
Hey guys this is your recently installed aleph S'gan Matthew Newman.
Well programming has gone great. Heavyweights night was a good program, with a mediocre outcome. TMNT night was a great night, which was planned by Alephs Sam Radwany and Zach Mcmains. This five-fold program had 29 people at it.
Just because this is the summer, that does not mean that we will not be programming. We intend to have many more five fold programs this term. Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Cavs, Sam, Ffej, Indians, DMB, chicken wings, wiggling and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114 --Aleph Matthew David "Wiggles" Newman
ADAM “FUTURE” NELSON
A Chapter Board Report
I released my first issue at the Heavyweights night program. I had successfully produced and distributed a paper. My first issue was a breeze… I was sent many articles and everything seemed to be running smoothly.
My second issue, however was much more challenging. There was often a “famine” of articles and I could never seem to move the issue forward because of lack of articles. I often requested articles through email or even telephone calls and yet I still was ignored.
I am ecstatic to serve as the chapter’s Sopher, but I can’t do the job unless everyone participates. All I ask is for you at the beginning of ever month to simply sit down, take a few minutes and write an article. If this happened I can promise you that many more issues will be distributed. Maybe even one issue a month!
I look forward to reading MANY more future articles and serving as the Spring-Summer Portage Trail AZA #114, Sopher.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Matt Blum’s fast recovery, TMNT, 300, Chipotle, my second issue, and my heart and home, Portage Trail AZA #114. --Adam “Future Nelson
JUSTIN “SUG KNIGHT” SUGARMAN
A Chapter Board Report
The start of this term has not been even close to what I expected. I knew that it would be a challenge to get 14 new members, but I had no idea it would be this challenging. We still need many new members, so if you know Jewish kids who are not signed up, interest them with stories of BBYO and get them to call me. I want the netfilx subscription so let’s get it! I want a list from every single person who gets this newspaper; of at least 5 people they know who are not in BBYO. We need to achieve this goal, and I will be willing to do whatever it takes to achieve it.
I’d like to say that I was disappointed and saddened that only 2 AIT’S decided to come to AIT/MIT. Don’t be afraid to come to programs or conventions because your friends aren’t there. Don’t believe me? Ask the AIT’S how much fun he had! There will be more AIT sessions coming up, and more programs. We still need at least 10 more guys! Let’s do it, okay?
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Aaron Tobias, Adam Nelson, AIT/MIT 2006, Fraternity, Israel, the Tribe, the Cavs moving into the NBA finals, Damon Jones, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114
ALEX “TITS”
FREEDMAN
A Chapter Board Report
Program calls are going pretty good. People need to turn their phones on more often though. SAM SEIDER!!!! Just keep answering your phones when I call. Frat Overnight will be fun...go.
Aleph Mazkir
Alex “Tits” Freedman
Call me for questions at 330 631 6877
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Tits, Arby’s, the sweetest Mazkir in the Ohio Northern Region, and my heart and home, Portage Trail AZA #114
DAVID “FLOUNDER” POLDNEFF
A Chapter Board Report
Hey guys, Bowling For Bucks is coming up soon in two weeks, and we will be getting out ticket packets to everyone at Fraternity Overnight to sell the week before. Other than that coming up in 2 weeks, we are going to have some carwashes over the summer, so I will be contacting everyone to see when they are home to find the best possible dates.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
The Dude, Bowling for Bucks, and my heart and home, Portage Trail AZA #114
A Chapter Board Report
My brother Alephs,
How's it going? Not much has changed since my last officer report, probably since it was a month ago and Adam Nelson puts out papers like it’s nobody's business. I hope everyone's enjoyed our last 3 programs because I really have. TMNT night was especially sweet, and if you were wondering, my face is doing just great.
I've enjoyed seeing some new faces at our programs like Dan and Jared, and some people we haven't seen in a while like Merklin and Tobias. We need to keep recruiting more members so anyone you see who is Jewish and not in BBYO, get him to join!
We also need to make a point to keep our fraternity even up. These other alephs at the programs are your brothers and you should treat them as such (maybe better in the case of Tyler and Zatch Nelson)
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114
Aleph Godol Matt "Blumpkin" Blum
MATHEW “WIGGLES” NEWMAN
A Chapter Board Report
Hey guys this is your recently installed aleph S'gan Matthew Newman.
Well programming has gone great. Heavyweights night was a good program, with a mediocre outcome. TMNT night was a great night, which was planned by Alephs Sam Radwany and Zach Mcmains. This five-fold program had 29 people at it.
Just because this is the summer, that does not mean that we will not be programming. We intend to have many more five fold programs this term. Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Cavs, Sam, Ffej, Indians, DMB, chicken wings, wiggling and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114 --Aleph Matthew David "Wiggles" Newman
ADAM “FUTURE” NELSON
A Chapter Board Report
I released my first issue at the Heavyweights night program. I had successfully produced and distributed a paper. My first issue was a breeze… I was sent many articles and everything seemed to be running smoothly.
My second issue, however was much more challenging. There was often a “famine” of articles and I could never seem to move the issue forward because of lack of articles. I often requested articles through email or even telephone calls and yet I still was ignored.
I am ecstatic to serve as the chapter’s Sopher, but I can’t do the job unless everyone participates. All I ask is for you at the beginning of ever month to simply sit down, take a few minutes and write an article. If this happened I can promise you that many more issues will be distributed. Maybe even one issue a month!
I look forward to reading MANY more future articles and serving as the Spring-Summer Portage Trail AZA #114, Sopher.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Matt Blum’s fast recovery, TMNT, 300, Chipotle, my second issue, and my heart and home, Portage Trail AZA #114. --Adam “Future Nelson
JUSTIN “SUG KNIGHT” SUGARMAN
A Chapter Board Report
The start of this term has not been even close to what I expected. I knew that it would be a challenge to get 14 new members, but I had no idea it would be this challenging. We still need many new members, so if you know Jewish kids who are not signed up, interest them with stories of BBYO and get them to call me. I want the netfilx subscription so let’s get it! I want a list from every single person who gets this newspaper; of at least 5 people they know who are not in BBYO. We need to achieve this goal, and I will be willing to do whatever it takes to achieve it.
I’d like to say that I was disappointed and saddened that only 2 AIT’S decided to come to AIT/MIT. Don’t be afraid to come to programs or conventions because your friends aren’t there. Don’t believe me? Ask the AIT’S how much fun he had! There will be more AIT sessions coming up, and more programs. We still need at least 10 more guys! Let’s do it, okay?
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Aaron Tobias, Adam Nelson, AIT/MIT 2006, Fraternity, Israel, the Tribe, the Cavs moving into the NBA finals, Damon Jones, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114
ALEX “TITS”
FREEDMAN
A Chapter Board Report
Program calls are going pretty good. People need to turn their phones on more often though. SAM SEIDER!!!! Just keep answering your phones when I call. Frat Overnight will be fun...go.
Aleph Mazkir
Alex “Tits” Freedman
Call me for questions at 330 631 6877
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Tits, Arby’s, the sweetest Mazkir in the Ohio Northern Region, and my heart and home, Portage Trail AZA #114
DAVID “FLOUNDER” POLDNEFF
A Chapter Board Report
Hey guys, Bowling For Bucks is coming up soon in two weeks, and we will be getting out ticket packets to everyone at Fraternity Overnight to sell the week before. Other than that coming up in 2 weeks, we are going to have some carwashes over the summer, so I will be contacting everyone to see when they are home to find the best possible dates.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
The Dude, Bowling for Bucks, and my heart and home, Portage Trail AZA #114
Sunday, April 22, 2007
KARMA: WORTH A WATCH! Jordan Marks's Reel Talk!
In the 2006 Documentary, “Karma,” directed by Adam Nelson and produced by Generation Pictures, a young man’s sanity is thrown out the window. In the opening scene, Eric Katz, a past lover of Nelson, is going through the rough struggles of losing a loved one. Yet he continues on his way, trying to put Nelson out of his mind. In a hallway of his home, Katz is shocked to see Nelson in the doorway of his bathroom.
As he walks towards Nelson, he fades away into nothing. However the excitement does not end there, even having the return of the ghost of Nelson. I will not give away the ending of this fabulous masterpiece and I urge everyone to see it. I also urge everyone to urinate prior to seeing this film or you will surely tinkle in your pants as the film progresses. Go to Youtube™ and type in “adman72292” (Cont. On Page 4) to watch “Karma” and many other Adam Nelson films.
Respectfully submitted with undying love for:
Karma, Generation Pictures, Eric Katz wanting Adam Nelson’s man parts, AZA, ONR #23, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114
THE HARD TIMES: As told by David Bernstein
Hey guys, Nelson called me a bunch and told me to write an old board report. We’re awesome. But I’m not going to say anything else because you can all hear it at States & Installations, which is a required event to keep membership into Portage Trail AZA #114.
Adam “Future” Nelson (as I so lovingly dubbed him) is not the mere innocent 8th grade movie star as we all assume. There is a much deeper, darker side to the young man. This past week, after kidnapping the Future from his house, Zatch, Poldneff, T-Nelson, and Future decided we wanted to watch “V for Vendetta.” We agreed this was the correct plan of action because it would take up a lot of time and this was good because we had just locked our soon-to-be installed Godol, Matt Blum, in Poldneff’s basement. It is important to be noted that we had no intention of returning to Poldneff’s for the movie, in fact, we planned on going to Zatch’s house (Cont. On Page 9)
We then decided to get Swensons to take up even more time, and by this point we were feeling pretty guilty about leaving Matt, so we decided we would get him Swensons. He said we had to pay half of his Galleyboy for our prank on him. We agreed. Then a stroke of genius hit one of us, I think Poldneff or Tyler but I cannot remember, and we realized we should eat half of his Galleyboy.
This all was good, Blum was pissed, but then we watched “V for Vendetta.” Now, it is a sweet movie upon which I just recently stumbled, I refused to see it in theatres because Natalie Portman becomes ugly when she shaves her head. This part, however, only made the movie more dramatic. I’m not taking the time to explain the movie, but it has to do with a fascist government ruling England when the world’s in a shithole. The fascist leader of course is dubbed the title High Chancellor. When Adam watched the movie, a spark shined in the corner of his eye that only I noticed. I thought it was strange that he was somewhat excited, even aroused, by the idea of being a fascist leader. Total control seemed to please Adam, and my suspicion of his totalitarian dreams was proved correct when he went to sleep that night. I heard mutterings of “kill all those who don’t support me” and “Adam is always right” and “Strength through Unity.” It scared the crap out of me, as it should scare all of you reading this.
Now because Adam is the newspaper editor, this will probably get censored, or if he does somehow miss it in the editing process I will wake up with a bunch of big goon’s putting a black-bag over my head. I will never be seen again. This could very well be my last piece of advice I can give the chapter. Adam Nelson seeks totalitarian control over Portage Trail, the Ohio Northern Region, the United States of America, and the entire world. Do not try to oppose him, for his movies are too enjoyable. Do not try to question him, for he’s conversed with Mischa Barton. I tell you all, there is not hope. Submit to his will, and as always believe in the phrase you all soon will learn to love “Strength through Unity.”
Fraternally Submitted with Undying Love for:
My whole year as being Godol, V for Vendetta, Swensons, the Future, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
ZACH NELSON IN HAWAII: By Mathew Blum
This spring break I went to Hawaii for a week, which was really sweet. As you may have previously believed, the women there are gorgeous. This is not to say that they are all hot. There are plenty of disgusting ones there, from gross boob jobs to nasty women who are big and fat and where a thong on the beach and read tarot cards at night (she was nasty). But the overall concentration of attractive ladies in Hawaii is just ridiculous; it makes Ohio look god-awful.
Anyway, Zack Nelson, Glaub, and I (we were in Hawaii together) were walking down a street along the beach and we saw this really hot woman who clearly wasn't wearing a bra. So of course we decided to follow her to get another look. We quickly catch up to her and pass her up while Glaub and I steal quick glances. Then Zack comes lumbering along, turns his head around, and just gawks at them. His eyes were fixed there and he just kept walking until he collides with this little Japanese lady walking in the other direction. So not only did the lady see him clearly checking her out but he almost steam rolled a little old lady. It was a classic Zackary Nelson moment.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Hawaii, bikinis, attractive women on the beach and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114
--Matt "Blumpkin" Blum
Anyway, Zack Nelson, Glaub, and I (we were in Hawaii together) were walking down a street along the beach and we saw this really hot woman who clearly wasn't wearing a bra. So of course we decided to follow her to get another look. We quickly catch up to her and pass her up while Glaub and I steal quick glances. Then Zack comes lumbering along, turns his head around, and just gawks at them. His eyes were fixed there and he just kept walking until he collides with this little Japanese lady walking in the other direction. So not only did the lady see him clearly checking her out but he almost steam rolled a little old lady. It was a classic Zackary Nelson moment.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Hawaii, bikinis, attractive women on the beach and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114
--Matt "Blumpkin" Blum
BORAT TO BRUNO! By Adam Nelson
Sasha Baron Cohen (Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan) isn’t done kissing men, distributing “high fives,” or making penetration with Columbian prostitutes. “Borat” producer, Jay Roach and Sasha Baron Cohen announce plans for a sequel. The sequel is supposed to feature another one of Sasha’s notorious characters from Da Ali G Show, Bruno.
According to wikipedia, the character first appeared in a series of short sketches on The Paramount Comedy Channel in 1998. Later the character was redeveloped for Da Ali G Show. Cohen portrays the character Bruno as a punk-rock Austrian TV station reporter. Bruno (no known last name) is a six-foot, three-inch white male with a thin build. He has brown eyes and brown clipped short hair. His signature dressing style is flashy and tasteless. He sports various belts, bracelets and piercing, including a piercing on his left eyebrow. Sasha’s sequel, “Bruno” is still in pre-production and no official release date has been announced yet. Universal Pictures is still acquiring the rights to the film for $42.5 million dollars.
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Naked Juice, “Karma,” Sasha, Chipotle, David Bernstein’s lobes, my cool new nickname, my first issue, and my heart and home, Portage Trail AZA #114.
NAKED! By Justin Sugerman
I recently drove up to Michigan to visit my very close friend from CLTC. GO TO CLTC. While I was there I found my new love. No, it was not my gay lover, Jason, but yet I found that getting Naked was the single best thing in the world. I got Naked three times at Whole Foods Market with Jason and his friends!
Getting Naked at Whole Foods is $2.50. Naked Juice is the best all natural, 100% juices and juice smoothies, made from bare-naked fruits with no added sugar and no added preservatives.
Naked Juice has twenty different flavors including my favorites: Tropical-C, Strawberry Kiwi Kick, and Strawberry Banana C. According to NakedJuice.com, (YES I DO SITE MY SOURCES cough K cough) it has six different families including antioxidant, energy, just juice, protein, superfood, and well-being. I’m actually drinking Strawberry Kiwi Kick right now and looking at the back of the bottle, it has 100% of your daily values of Vitamin C, Niacin, Vitamin B12, Vitamin B6, and Riboflavin. The best part about Naked Juice is the sayings you can say with it:
“Hey mom, dad, I’m going to get Naked with Sophie!”
“I’m in the mood to get Naked… Wow, getting Naked here is very, very expensive.” (Cont. On Page 3)
Since I got home, I have been all over Akron to search for Naked Juice. I went to Sam’s Club because I heard there was naked there. I soon found out that they only sold it in 2 bottles and 1 flavor, and it was $8.42! In Michigan you could buy three and a half Nakeds for that price! So I went searching and found out that Breuggers sells Naked for only $2.00! That is such a great price, but they have bad flavors. So I went to Papa Joes and found out that they have a delicious selection of Naked Juice and a bottle costs $3.50. I advice you, if you want to try and get Naked to go to Papa Joes just because of the wide selection of Naked, and when you go in make sure to go, “I’m so happy!” I can get Naked at Papa Joe’s. The lady working there gave me a very weird look. I’ll leave you with a story. When I went to Sam’s Club and bought 2 Naked’s I went to the cash register and complained to the lady saying, Getting Naked at Sam’s Club is very, very expensive. She replied, yeah it is expensive, but getting Naked at Sam’s Club is well worth it in the long run. Wherever you decide to go, getting Naked is well worth it.
Respectfully submitted with undying love for:
Tagging, Sophie, NAKED, no added sugars, Adam “Future” Nelson, Achim AZA #312, CLTC 2006, Keast 2007, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114.
Getting Naked at Whole Foods is $2.50. Naked Juice is the best all natural, 100% juices and juice smoothies, made from bare-naked fruits with no added sugar and no added preservatives.
Naked Juice has twenty different flavors including my favorites: Tropical-C, Strawberry Kiwi Kick, and Strawberry Banana C. According to NakedJuice.com, (YES I DO SITE MY SOURCES cough K cough) it has six different families including antioxidant, energy, just juice, protein, superfood, and well-being. I’m actually drinking Strawberry Kiwi Kick right now and looking at the back of the bottle, it has 100% of your daily values of Vitamin C, Niacin, Vitamin B12, Vitamin B6, and Riboflavin. The best part about Naked Juice is the sayings you can say with it:
“Hey mom, dad, I’m going to get Naked with Sophie!”
“I’m in the mood to get Naked… Wow, getting Naked here is very, very expensive.” (Cont. On Page 3)
Since I got home, I have been all over Akron to search for Naked Juice. I went to Sam’s Club because I heard there was naked there. I soon found out that they only sold it in 2 bottles and 1 flavor, and it was $8.42! In Michigan you could buy three and a half Nakeds for that price! So I went searching and found out that Breuggers sells Naked for only $2.00! That is such a great price, but they have bad flavors. So I went to Papa Joes and found out that they have a delicious selection of Naked Juice and a bottle costs $3.50. I advice you, if you want to try and get Naked to go to Papa Joes just because of the wide selection of Naked, and when you go in make sure to go, “I’m so happy!” I can get Naked at Papa Joe’s. The lady working there gave me a very weird look. I’ll leave you with a story. When I went to Sam’s Club and bought 2 Naked’s I went to the cash register and complained to the lady saying, Getting Naked at Sam’s Club is very, very expensive. She replied, yeah it is expensive, but getting Naked at Sam’s Club is well worth it in the long run. Wherever you decide to go, getting Naked is well worth it.
Respectfully submitted with undying love for:
Tagging, Sophie, NAKED, no added sugars, Adam “Future” Nelson, Achim AZA #312, CLTC 2006, Keast 2007, and my heart and home Portage Trail AZA #114.
THE LIFE OF ADAM "FUTURE" NELSON: HOLLYWOOD By Mathew Newman
This is Adam “Future” Nelson’s first newspaper; so I grant him many, many more. With every newspaper he publishes, I pledge that “Future’s” autobiography will be written. Adam is the younger twin (by a minute) of Lisa Nelson, the younger brother of Eric and Jennifer Nelson, and the son of Cindy and Jerry Nelson.
According to his imdb.com account, Adam has appeared in The OH in Ohio (2006), and The Elephant (2003). Adam is also four feet, eight inches tall and has a unique shaped head. There is a picture of him and Paul Rudd (Clueless). It also explains that he graduated from a performing arts school. (Cont. On Page 2) Ignore that because he is still an active student at Miller South School for the Visual and Performing Arts. Next year he plans to study video production at the Revere High School, and will attend the Judith Resnick Learning Center for kids who can’t read good, but can really act well too. (Zoolander).
Fraternally submitted with undying love for:
Kids shorter than me, Kevin Kouzenenoff, Adam Goldberg, Sam Radwany, chicken wings, Sasha, and my heart and home, Portage Trail AZA #114.
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